New York Jets – Quarterback Dating Carousel

Mike Donnelly parallels the New York Jets quarterback search to the search for a wife

It has been pretty crazy to read some of the things people have written / blogged / tweeted / said / called into WFAN / Instagrammed / shouted / whatever’d about when it comes to the Jets quarterback situation this offseason. Think of it like this: The Jets are a dude who is trying to find a girlfriend with the goal of ultimately finding a wife, because that’s essentially what is happening here. They’re trying to find the best person to help them move forward with their lives and have little championship babies. Here is what each potential quarterback represents:

Ryan Fitzpatrick – Fitz is the nice girl that you warm up to after you turn 30 and are ready to settle down after wasting the last six years of your life in awful relationships. You are totally fine bringing her home to meet mom and introduce her to your friends, because its much more good than bad. She has a stable job making decent money and keeps you happy pretty consistently. She isn’t a supermodel or anything like that and you aren’t going to be doing a lot of the freaky stuff that you might desire, but there will definitely be some high points along the way.

Plus, she gets along well with all of your friends, especially your tall black friend named Brandon and the really handsome white guy named Eric. Bilal may have been slow to warm up to her, but now they’re totally cool with each other, and that new guy Matt that you befriended has been begging to meet her. Even your family likes her, particularly Grandpa Chan and Uncle Todd. Sure, there will be some tough times and you’ll need some help here and there, but things will usually be pretty good. Basically, you can settle down and be happy with Fitz, and there’s a lot to be said for that, especially when you look around and see all the other girls out there.

Geno Smith – You know the girl that you’ve been seeing out by herself at the bars around town every weekend for like the past year? The one who looks pretty good from afar and you wonder why she’s always there by herself? That’s Geno. You’ve seen her around and other guys take her insist she has potential, but it’s never the same guy twice and nobody seems to want to settle down with her. You know there’s something just a little off about her, but during last call at 2am after a dozen drinks and a little too much Fireball, you start to look at her and talk yourself into it.  She has “all the tools” and you can see yourself with her. Your friend tries to talk you out of it for your own good, but you’re too focused on those few good things and you decide to go for it.

The second you do that, though, you start to realize why nobody settled down with her and how all that potential you saw at the bar was really just a mirage. She throws up all over your bed sheets five minutes after walking in the door. She does an inexplicable behind-the-back fumble with your Brita filter and shatters it all over your kitchen floor. She’s the girl who gives you hope but when you’re sober and think about it, you realize she’s not the one for you.

Bryce Petty – Bryce is the girl you met on one of the online dating sites, but not even one of the good ones like Match or whatever. Somehow, you found her on like Craigslist or something and she only was willing to send you two or three pics no matter how much you pushed for more. Suspiciously, the pics she sent were only from the best possible angles and you never really get a good look at her. You also found it pretty weird how she said she really loves Dominos Pizza, but you let all those things go and talked yourself into there being some hope there, so you decided to meet up with her. But lo and behold, when you finally do meet up with her, she’s looks nothing like any of the pictures you received and she can’t stop throwing interceptions. Unfortunately, that’s who Bryce Petty is going to be to Jets fans.

Use the 1st Round Pick – Unlike a later round pick that you find on the dating section of Craigslist, a possible 1st Round QB is like when one of your good friends said he’s tired of seeing you single and miserable and wants to set you up with the cute girl he knows from the gym. He tells you she’s cute and everything seems good. The only problem is that she just broke up with her boyfriend and she might need to stay on the bench for a year before she’s ready to really take things to the next level.

Brian Hoyer – Ugh, this one. This is like if you broke up with the Fitz girl and started dating her slightly less pretty, less cool friend. On paper she seems like a good match for you, but you can’t really seem to get past the fact that three months ago there were some disgusting and embarrassing photos of her put on the internet by her ex-boyfriend and everyone you know saw it. It’s hard to get past something like that Chiefs playoff game, err… uhh… I mean, those photos.

Josh McCown – There’s a reason McCown is the last option and it’s because nobody wants to be taking home the p 45 year-old cougar because she’s really not good looking enough to be classified as such. Yeah, there’s a chance you might have a good time with this older woman in the short term, but in the long run it’s really not worth all of the shame you’d feel afterwards, especially from all of your friends making fun of you. That’s what would happen if Josh McCown is the Jets starting QB.

So, there you have it. A completely scientific and accurate assessment of all of the Jets possible quarterback options for 2016. Before you go tweeting and shouting about how you want this guy or that guy next time the topic comes up, just think about how you don’t want to be the guy taking home the girl who throws up on your bed or has the horrible photos out on the internet. And neither do the Jets.

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