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The New York Jets have taken a public beating this offseason and are in the midst of their third longest playoff drought in franchise history. This means it is time for a good old fashioned vent on the other 31 teams in the NFL. Yes, this is completely bitter and yes many, if not all, of these teams may be better than the Jets in 2017. Yes, I do not care because we are only 8 days away from players reporting to camp and having much more SERIOUS content on the way.
Buffalo Bills – NO SUPER BOWLS! No playoff wins since 1995. For context, the number one song on the Billboard chart was “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio and Forest Gump won best picture. Also, Bills fans (who are some dedicated SOBs) have now devolved into throwing themselves through tables at a substantially higher rate in hopes of making Barstool. Good for #content but bad for their limbs.
Miami Dolphins – No playoff wins since 2000 when Lamar Smith and Mighty Jay Fielder were carrying them to victory against the Indianapolis Colts, who were still in the AFC East back then. There are so few Dolphins fans that they sell Jets gear inside their stadium. Ryan Tannehill is also Matt Moore with an enormous contract and perpetually inflated expectations.
New England Patriots – We can only find solace in the fact that New England fans are still miserable despite all their winning and spend all day sulking about Cian Fahey and Scott Kocsmar tweets. They are also choking underachievers if they go anything less than 19-0 this season.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Big Ben is about to retire after another year of dragging Pittsburgh to the playoffs just to lose by 35 to New England. For some reason Pittsburgh thinks their 275 pound linebackers can run with receivers in those games and shockingly it never works. Once Ben leaves, they are stuck with Josh Dobbs one hopping passes to Antonio Brown after Le’Veon Bell inevitably leaves in free agency.
Cincinnati Bengals – NO SUPER BOWLS! No playoff wins since 1990! You know who is not breaking that streak? The dreaded Marvin Lewis and Andy Dalton combination. They are set up well for another two years of personal fouls and gut wrenching January losses before both of them are replaced.
Baltimore Ravens – Buried under the crippling weight of Joe Flacco’s mediocrity for the foreseeable future. This franchise is built on a heist of the Cleveland Browns, which should invalidate their two Super Bowls (although it would be preferred if they can keep beating New England in the playoffs but then fire John Harbaugh so the Jets can hire him next year).
Cleveland Browns – There is no need to muck around all their historic misery, so let’s focus on the near term where Hue Jackson has done nothing to prove he can be a head coach, Brock Osweiler is a poor man’s EJ Manuel and DeShone Kizer is a less accurate Brady Quinn.
Jacksonville Jaguars – A city that does not need a franchise and is subjecting their 42 fans to watching Blake Bortles shot put a wet ham each Sunday. Tom Coughlin and Doug Marrone should add a nice, grouchy flavor to their annual 5-11 record in 2017.
Indianapolis Colts – They effectively tanked for Andrew Luck and promptly built a team that would allow him to be systematically destroyed. Right now the most interesting thing about their team is the owner’s Twitter account.
Houston Texans – Never forget Bill O’Brien giving a Hard Knocks rant on Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett being able to play. Never forget this owner paying Brock Osweiler the GDP of a third world country. This team is actually going to start Tom Savage over Deshaun Watson isn’t it?
Tennessee Titans – NO SUPER BOWLS! The Titans also over inflated Jeff Fisher’s ego by having Steve McNair and Eddie George carry him for so long that it led to Rams fans being tormented by him for years. Unfair! It is also worth remembering this team will win nothing of consequence with Mike Mularkey as their head coach.
Oakland Raiders – VEGAS BABY VEGAS! This team is so young and exciting that only Jack Del Rio could find a way to make sure they underachieve. Raiders fans are also compensating for something with those insane outfits.
Kansas City Chiefs – Andy Reid and Alex Smith purgatory…until they gradually just trend into Andy Reid purgatory. The Chiefs randomly fired their GM out of nowhere a few weeks ago, always a sign of organizational stability and a harbinger of good things to come. Who doesn’t have this team circled as a AFC team who made playoffs last year but won’t be back in 2017?
Denver Broncos – All those fancy pass rushers and receivers don’t mean much when you have Trevor Siemian throwing ground balls and getting sacked every three plays. It is a good thing they hired the great Vance Joseph to lead the way, who captained the Dolphins to the NFL’s 29th ranked defense last season!
Los Angeles Chargers – Philip Rivers is old. Mike Williams is hurt. Keenan Allen is hurt. Antonio Gates is old. They are in the group of death division and have lost two playoff games to the Jets this century…and NO SUPER BOWLS!
Philadelphia Eagles – A close kin franchise for the Jets. Obnoxious, angry fans, inferiority complex to other local teams and limited amounts of winning. The only difference of course is that the Eagles have NO SUPER BOWLS and just traded all of their draft picks for Patrick Ramsey 2.0 to play quarterback for them.
Washington Redskins – A team name and owner that nobody likes. A franchise quarterback they refuse to pay, which will lead to an inevitably awkward and underachieving year. You know one way to not have leverage on Kirk Cousins? Make sure Colt McCoy is your backup quarterback.
Dallas Cowboys – So much regression on the way and so many bandwagon fans who will only have a passing interest in it.
New York Giants – The franchise of fake memorabilia and a misplaced air of character superiority to the rest of the NFL. Giants fans are old and smug but play in the same swampy dump as the Jets.
Detroit Lions – NO SUPER BOWLS! Mighty Jim Caldwell and Matthew Stafford will not be changing that one any time soon. Similar to the Chiefs in the AFC, this is the obvious team who made the playoffs in the NFC last year (how?!) that will not be back next year.
Minnesota Vikings – NO SUPER BOWLS! Sam Bradford and his 3.92 YPA behind a paper-mache offensive line shouldn’t be inspiring any type of confidence this year. Minnesota once lost a playoff game by missing a field goal from 11 feet away.
Chicago Bears – This team actually traded multiple assets to get Mitchell Sanchez in the first round this year to compete with Brock Glennon in a sad, expensive quarterback competition. To be fair, at least they have Kevin White to throw to, who is totally not a bust at all.
Green Bay Packers – It takes amazing amounts of organizational incompetence to only win one Super Bowl with Brett Favre and one Super Bowl with Aaron Rodgers. SHAME!
Tampa Bay Bucs – I predict a dull season of Hard Knocks followed by a season of underachievement from Jameis and company, mostly because the Jets just should have just lost 2 more games in 2014 and drafted him…and I’m still bitter.
Carolina Panthers – The impeccably timed July GM firing so they could go back to hire their previous GM, who was bad enough to be replaced in the first place. Carolina will now have over the hill players who feel they are being treated well but also be perpetually 6-10 with 5 overpaid running backs.
Atlanta Falcons – NO SUPER BOWLS…And the most gut wrenching loss in the NFL history that they have zero chance of recovering from. It is now a slow, sad exodus of misery.
New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees is old. Adrian Peterson is old. Sean Payton hasn’t won anything post BOUNTYGATE. They signed Ted Ginn Jr to replace Brandin Cooks. Why exactly will they be any better than they were in 2016?
San Francisco 49ers –The 49ers were celebrated draft weekend like it was a Disney movie but nearly took a low impact inside linebacker with injury concerns in the top five, before eventually taking him later in the first anyway. Brian Hoyer is still their quarterback with his top targets being Jeremy Kerley and Pierre Garcon. Calm it down with the Lynch love fest.
Los Angeles Rams – The only team with a worse quarterback situation than our beloved New York Jets. Jared Goff looks like a backup punter throwing an anvil when playing quarterback and his top receivers are Tavon Austin and Robert Woods.
Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer has morphed into late career Jake Delhomme, which is not a good sign for their upcoming season…and of course, NO SUPER BOWLS!
Seattle Seahawks – Every year their defense gets a little less intimidating and their secondary gets a little easier to throw on. On the other side of the ball they have five traffic cones blocking for Russell Wilson. Seattle’s chance of multiple Super Bowls ended when they threw to Ricardo Lockette.
Photo Credit: NFL.com