I know the Jets have been on the naughty list over the past few years, but they have finally turned the corner this year — they’re 9-5 with a chance to make the playoffs! Now, Mr. Kringle, since they have been so good, I think the Jets deserve to be on the nice list this year (well, maybe everyone but Sheldon Richardson), which means they should get some really nice gifts over the next few months. With that being said, here is my wish list for the New York Jets:
- A Steelers/Chiefs/Broncos loss: If the Jets win out, and either one of those teams loses just one game, the Jets will be in the playoffs. Between the six games in total played by those three teams, I am sure you can make something happen.
- Tom Brady to skip the game for a Donald Trump rally: It seems as if Mr. Brady is a really big Donald Trump fan, so I would really appreciate it if you made him miss the game this Sunday to go support a friend.
- An edge rusher: That Lorenzo Mauldin kid looks like he has a lot of potential, and there are four stout defenders in the middle with Wilkerson, Richardson, Williams, and Harrison, but there is no one capable of flying around the edge on third down to apply some pressure.
- Two new offensive linemen: After hearing Brian Winters’s name called so many times last Saturday night and witnessing the demise of D’Brickashaw Ferguson, it is obvious that the Jets need a left tackle and a right guard ahead of next season.
- A linebacker who can cover: I know Demario Davis is a really nice guy who does a lot of charity work and even called me for a couple of interviews, but the man wouldn’t be able to cover my 20-month-old cousin going over the middle. Henderson and Lattimore have helped out a little bit, but they are more like duct tape on an old tarp than a permanent solution to the problem.
- A new special teams coach: It is obvious that there will never be another Mike Westhoff, but literally anyone would be better than Bobby April — there really isn’t much else that needs to be said here.
- A young replacement for Ivory: This season taught me that running backs, unless in the elite category of a Peterson, are interchangeable. Thomas Rawls filled in just fine for Marshawn Lynch, Deangelo Williams picked up where Le’veon Bell left off, Charcandrick West made people forget about Jamaal Charles, and for two weeks, Spencer Ware even made people forget about Charcandrick West. Ivory has a lot of miles on those tires, and he has been a bit prone to injuries throughout his career — there is no way, in my mind at least, that the Jets should pay him what he is going to want. The best thing to do would be to draft Derrick Henry in the 2nd round, who is essentially a younger version of Ivory — he even has the correct hairstyle.
- Fireman Ed: It was nice to seem him back during week 1, but he has not been seen ever since. The new “Jet Man” guy that shows up on the screen is serviceable, but no one gets the crowd going like Fireman Ed.
As you can see Santa, I am not asking for a whole lot. The 9-5 record doesn’t guarantee a playoff spot this year (so some help in that department would be nice), but that 9-5 record also shows that this team does not really have many holes to fill. Hopefully you also find it in your jolly old heart to bring Odell Beckham Jr. a baseball and a new mitt — he might have been really naughty last week, but I think there’s someone on the Panthers that wants to invite him to batting practice. Rex Ryan might be able to use your help too — he might be looking for a job, so he could probably use some business cards in his stocking this year.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Joseph Malfa on behalf of Jets fans everywhere