As you probably know, I like to make fun of the mostly terrible media coverage that our beloved New York Jets get, particularly when it comes to Gary Myers and the New York Daily News. In fact, last year, I devoted an entire post here to ripping apart a Gary Myers column about the Jets starting quarterback job in “Fire Joe Morgan” fashion. Here’s a link to that, in case you want to check it out. As fun as ripping ol’ Gary is though, he isn’t the only terrible writer in this town who spews nonsense and horrible ideas to unsuspecting readers. Today, Steve Serby – who is one of the few who can match Myers on the crappy-scale – threw his hat in the ring with an awful column about how the Jets have to trade up for Marcus Mariota at all costs. When something this horrible gets printed, it gets the Gary Myers treatment, so let’s get started.
(The parts in bold are straight from the column. The rest is my commentary on what he wrote.)
Marcus Mariota is still within striking distance. Go get him, Magic Mike.
What’s sad is you know Serby thinks “Magic Mike” is original and clever. Either that or he’s just paying tribute to one of his favorite films.
The NFL draft is finally here Thursday night in Chicago — and Marcus Mariota is at its epicenter.
No he isn’t.
The draft would not be a failure if Mike Maccagnan does not find a way to land Mariota.
It would be folly if he doesn’t even try. Try, Magic Mike.
Pretty sure all the teams are at least exploring trading up, no? This is so stupid. It’s kind of hilarious Serby is sticking with “Magic Mike” though. You know, because the M-word matches up with the M-name! It’s so clever! This is one of Serby’s favorite things and he’s been doing it for years in these mailed-in columns. I think I’m gonna refer to him as “Stupid Steve” from now on.
Bring him back from Hawaii.
Maybe I missed something, is there a possibility that Mariota is staying in Hawaii after the draft? I’m pretty sure whatever team that drafts him will be bringing him “back from Hawaii”.
It is one thing to be given the green light to throw Woody Johnson’s greenbacks at Darrelle Revis to bring him home and another to pick a potential future Pro Bowler and fresh new face of the franchise with the sixth pick.
Draft and free agency are two different things? Well I’ll be damned!
He’ll be hailed as Miracle Mike if he can figure out a way to trade up with Tennessee at No. 2 and get Mariota without having to pay a prohibitive price, because franchise quarterback remains the Jets’ everlasting, ever-present No. 1 need.
Would Miracle Mike be an upgrade on Magic Mike? Can Stupid Steve give us a comprehensive breakdown on his nickname power rankings? Either way, nobody is going to be calling him Miracle Mike, because that’s stupid. Also, franchise QB is everyone’s number 1 need. Maybe you didn’t hear, but the Jets aren’t the only team possibly interested in moving up to the #2 pick. There is NO CHANCE that whatever team that moves up won’t have to pay a “prohibitive price”. This isn’t Madden, Stupid Steve.
I’ll defer to Maccagnan’s judgment whether or not Mariota is a franchise quarterback, because a good majority of the best and brightest talent evaluators in the NFL don’t profess to know.
Yet for some reason, YOU, Stupid Steve, are saying Mariota is indeed a franchise quarterback and the Jets have to move up for him.
You can’t afford to think you know. You better be right about the quarterback.
And if anyone knows quarterbacks (other than Gary Myers, of course, who is a quarterback expert), it would be Stupid Steve.
This much I know: If Chip Kelly and Jon Gruden love the kid, the Jets probably ought to love the kid.
List of other quarterbacks Jon Gruden loved: Marques Tuiasosopo, Chris Simms, Bruce Gradkowski, Josh Johnson, Luke McCown, and Brian Griese. Meanwhile, Chip Kelly just gave Mark Sanchez a lucrative contract extension. Clearly, they are the foremost authority on quarterbacks.
Imagine if Kelly, who is saddled with the 20th pick, were in Maccagnan’s shoes and owned the sixth pick. The Liberty Bell would already have been traded to Nashville.
What the hell does this have to do with anything? Are you saying Chip Kelly is a brilliant General Manager? I think Eagles fans might disagree with that one after the bizarre offseason the team has had. But let’s give Stupid Steve credit for that HILARIOUS knee slapper of a joke about trading the Liberty Bell. Man oh man, where does he come up with these gems?
Gruden likens Mariota to a 6-foot-4 Russell Wilson.
Mike Mayock now rates Mariota over Jameis Winston.
If the rumored talks with the Eagles, Browns, Chargers and Redskins go nowhere, and the Titans are willing to ride with Zach Mettenberger and find themselves desperate to make a deal, the asking price could lower, and Maccagnan could ostensibly swoop in with a deal that makes sense without having to fork over a 2016 No. 1 pick.
This is just fantasy land nonsense. If those FIVE teams all decide they don’t want Mariota, then Maccagnan can offer up basically nothing and just get this awesome quarterback. He won’t even have to give up next year’s #1. That’s what Stupid Steve would do!
As the Jets and Jets fans know only too well, franchise quarterbacks don’t grow on trees. If you have a shot at getting one, you better take it.
Even if it means you trade away all your assets. It worked so well for the Redskins a few years back, so obviously it’s a smart move no matter what.
An offensive lineman or a pass rusher or even a franchise running back would be nice. A franchise quarterback would be nicer.
Hmmm, quarterback more important than running back…. slow down, Stupid Steve, I’m trying to take notes here and I can’t keep up with your fire takes.
Maccagnan has checked off the cornerback box and the No. 1 receiver box (Brandon Marshall) in free agency. Don’t bother asking Eric Decker how leaving Peyton Manning for Geno Smith has worked out for him.
What the hell does Peyton manning have to do with any of this? This column is basically a dumpster fire at this point.
There were those who cried that then-Giants GM Ernie Accorsi surrendered too much to move up from 4 to 1 and make that blockbuster trade for Eli Manning.
Lets talk about the Giants! The dumpster fire is intensifying. Stand back, everyone!
Marcus Mariota is not Eli Manning coming out of Ole Miss. And Manning didn’t exactly light it up over his first three seasons.
So lets trade more for a lesser quarterback prospect and then watch him suck for three years? And all the while we can have hacks like Stupid Steve and the rest of the media crap on Mariota and call for him to be benched or shipped out of town like they did with Eli Manning? It’s funny what selective memories some of these guys have.
And trading up for a franchise quarterback can sometimes prove hazardous to a franchise’s health (RGIII, Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez after the first two seasons). But if you don’t have one, especially in this quarterback-driven league, you better get one.
Just trade everything you have. Move up at all costs! Stupid Steve also forgot to mention EJ Manuel as a quarterback that was traded up for. That was another doozy. There is also some guy named Ryan Leaf.
So here we are 12 years later, and Accorsi’s successor, Jerry Reese, still doesn’t need a franchise quarterback.
Why are we talking about the Giants again? Oh, and for the record, the Giants have refused to give Eli a contract extension, so maybe they DO need a franchise quarterback going forward? Not that it has any relevance whatsoever to Marcus Mariota, but that’s ok. Stupid Steve has trouble staying on track.
With the ninth pick, Reese can grab himself an offensive lineman to better protect his franchise quarterback, or a pass rusher, or a cornerback, or whomever is the highest-ranked player on the Big Blue Board.
I thought this was about the Jets and Mariota? Bonus points to Stupid Steve for “Big Blue Board”, though. So clever!
One day, perhaps, Maccagnan can be in the same position.
To draft the best available player? He already is, Stupid Steve. And that’s probably exactly what he’ll do. I’m looking forward to your garbage column tomorrow ripping the Jets draft, though. Perhaps I’ll even be one of the few people to go out and buy the newspaper so i can use it to clean up my dog’s poop. Because that’s pretty much the only use a Stupid Steve column has these days.