LEAKED: Brian Schottenheimer’s Resume

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Due to my terrific inside sources around the New York Jets organization, I have been able to acquire a copy of the resume Brian Schottenheimer is using on his head coaching interviews.

Overview of Strengths

  • Ability to coach a mediocre offense, with either a competent veteran (Chad Pennington), a top ten draft pick (Mark Sanchez), or a future Hall of Famer (Brett Favre) at quarterback.
  • Can receive constant praise for innovation due to confusing calls and despite me never breaking tendencies.
  • Can get away with calling 67 passes in a run first offense, without my head coach even noticing.
  • My offense allows for 75% of our fans to call out the play before it is ran.

Offensive Philosophy

  • On every single play, split my fullback out in the slot and motion him into fullback even though I know everybody knows he isn’t staying in the slot and will motion in.
  • Also sub in a specific receiver who is bigger and can block so I can motion him in towards the formation on all running plays.
  • Sub out four or five players on every play, we need a specific group to throw with and a specific group to run with.
  • Use all of these motions and subbing to confuse my offense, so we can have multiple false start penalties and delay of games, along with blowing timeouts frequently.
  • Never, ever throw the football down the field outside the hashes. The entire game takes place within 5 yards of the quarterback, inside of the hash marks.
  • Ignore the running game when it is working. Ignore the passing game when it is working.
  • Run stretch plays with my slowest running back in 2nd and short to set up 3 and 5.
  • Run 4 yard crossing routes on 3rd and 9.
  • Do not use explosive players enough – see Leon Washington, Joe McKnight.

Highlights

  • Needed my team to call timeout before the first play of the game, even though we had the first play scripted all week.
  • Dropped Mark Sanchez back 67 times against the New York Giants pass rush, when we were averaging 5 yards per carry.
  • Played Matthew Mulligan 25 snaps per game for an entire season.

Favorite Plays

  • Shotgun 4-wide, throw a 4 yard hook route to the tight end, usually on 3rd and long.
  • Motion receiver towards the formation and run toss, usually for a 3 or 4 yard loss.
  • Play action boot on 2nd and short out of the same formation, where the quarterback only has the option to throw to the tight end in the flat.
  • Slant. Slant. Slant.

Standard Drives

  • 1st and 10 – Run the football for a 1 yard gain.
  • 2nd and 9 – Throw 4 yard hook route to tight end.
  • 3rd and 5 – Throw 3 yard crossing route.
  • 1st and 10 – Run the football for a 7 yard gain.
  • 2nd and 3 – Go shotgun, get the quarterback sacked.
  • 3rd and 12 – Draw or check down to running back.
  • 1st and 10 – Throw slant for 8 yards
  • 2nd and 2 – Play action boot, quarterback rolls out, throws incompletion.
  • 3rd and 2 – Shotgun, sack or incompletion.

13 thoughts on “LEAKED: Brian Schottenheimer’s Resume

  1. HAHAHA PERFECT

    i cant tell u how many times i would call out his plays right before they happened

    at one point my mom thought i was psychic and my dad just laughed it off cause he knew the truth lol

  2. Man great job I have a few Items I would of mentioned but you nailed it. Thanks for the laugh I need it after this season and to think if Shotty doesn’t get the HC job he will be back to add some highlights to next years resume. God help me I will become a NE Fan.

  3. Funniest thing I have ever heard!!! Amazingly schotty is probably going to be back, and jets fans are already starting to look at Sanchez not Schotty as the problem.

  4. This is hilarious and so spot on it’s crazy! Nice wite up, this makes me want Schotty gone more than ever!

  5. So frustratingly true. This is the exact stuff I’ve been complaining about at GGN all year. Can’t he just win the NYS jackpot and go away?

  6. Love it…but I would under “innovations” -after 3 consecutive run plays of 5+ yards, ignored conventional wisdom of play action and went with empty backfield.

  7. this is so true. i hope shotty gets a head coach job so that we bring in someone that can run our offense correctly

  8. This reminds of the 10 commandments my drinking buddies and fellow Jets fans came up with at our local sports bar. Fits right in with Schotty’s resume.
    1. Thou shall run up the middle as much as possible
    2. With any lead, we go into our prevent offense
    3. Any time inside the 30, mostly settle for a field goal
    4. Thou shall not throw the ball any further than 20 yards
    5. Thou shall not pass over the yellow line
    6. Thou shall claim Super Bowl victory before the season starts
    7. Thou shall let good players go without obtaining good replacements
    8. Thou shall use trick plays even when the offense is moving the ball good
    9. Thou shall forever be second-rated team in New York
    10. If you want a team or individual record broken or tied, play us, we’ll help you out.

  9. I am a Patriot fan that loves posting commentary on the NY post sport articles written by their sport writers and I must tell you this is the funniest and most accurate assessment of the state of the Jets.

    I truly hope in some way you are being compensated in some way for this tremendous effort to make your opinion public.

    Thanks.

  10. This is the single greatest article I have ever read on this or any site concerning the JETS. If they don’t find the door for Schotty, I am giving up my tickets. He makes me long for Paul Hackett.

  11. Have you ever been on Comedy Central? This is so laugh-out-loud funny that I was bent over in pain by the time I finished reading it. As crazy as I am about the Jets, I was literally rooting for them to lose on the final day, because I knew they weren’t going far this year anyway, and if they made the playoffs, we would be doomed to have Schotty back next year. I cannot believe that the common-sense-smart Rex will keep Schotty for another season to wreck his own coaching career and Sanchez’s playing career. I still believe that this hopeless numskull will finally be shown the door before the winter is over.

  12. How about the 2011 AFC championship game where we went 3 and out at the 1 against the steelers? The 4th and 3 shotgun bomb against the giants in week 17? The double reverse to Jerricho Cotchery (clearly the slowest wideout on the jets at the time) and the fact that his offense was divided the entire season…. This article captures the essence of the Schottenheimer offense. If any time thinks they are “lucky” to get him as a HC, they’ve got to be out of there minds.

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